Grief

Grief is a strange thing.  One moment you are ok, or at least you THINK you are ok and the next, something can hit you that opens up a deep pain that you didn't even know you could feel.

Since mama passed, I have been going through this roller-coaster of emotions and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  If anything it gets worse.  The slightest thing will trigger my eyes to fill with tears, a commercial, a smell, anything and everything, it just hits a nerve.

This past Sunday, we got word that my Aunt had passed away, although we weren't particularly close, that news put me in a tail-spin right back to those days n God's Country with mama during her final days and burial.

I constantly want to pick up the phone and call her, but I can't, so in those moments I just talk to her.  I speak with daddy every morning and that is a blessing I cherish.

Mama has been gone now for three months, but the wound of her loss is still fresh and some days it gets deeper and deeper.  I am constantly reminded of her and I cherish every one of those memories and know that one day we will all be reunited. 

I also know she is with me every moment of every day, but that doesn't take away the pain.  I just want to hear her voice, I want to hear her say "I love you" or call me "baby".... I just want my mama!

Some things probably aren't appropriate for a blog post, and this may be one of them, but I need to get it out and for me writing it down is therapeutic, I realize this rambles, but it is how it is coming out, so accept my apologies, this one is more for me than anyone else.

Daddy and Sam are wonderful and I appreciate being able to lean on them, but I am a mama's boy and nothing or no one can completely take her place.  I got through the funeral and planning and death better than I thought I would, but now as things are quieted down, as life has moved on and things are supposed to be back to normal, this new normal is difficult at best.  I am trying and know I will get through, but at certain times and certain moments the sadness is overwhelming.

Grief is a strange thing, you think you are making progress and then the mack-truck of sadness runs into you face to face.  I hate those moments, but also know that if I didn't love her so much and she didn't love me so much the pain wouldn't be as hard.

For the memories and joy mama gave me through life, this pain is worth it.  But this pain is hard and will take forever to mend.