Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Grief

Grief is a strange thing.  One moment you are ok, or at least you THINK you are ok and the next, something can hit you that opens up a deep pain that you didn't even know you could feel.

Since mama passed, I have been going through this roller-coaster of emotions and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  If anything it gets worse.  The slightest thing will trigger my eyes to fill with tears, a commercial, a smell, anything and everything, it just hits a nerve.

This past Sunday, we got word that my Aunt had passed away, although we weren't particularly close, that news put me in a tail-spin right back to those days n God's Country with mama during her final days and burial.

I constantly want to pick up the phone and call her, but I can't, so in those moments I just talk to her.  I speak with daddy every morning and that is a blessing I cherish.

Mama has been gone now for three months, but the wound of her loss is still fresh and some days it gets deeper and deeper.  I am constantly reminded of her and I cherish every one of those memories and know that one day we will all be reunited. 

I also know she is with me every moment of every day, but that doesn't take away the pain.  I just want to hear her voice, I want to hear her say "I love you" or call me "baby".... I just want my mama!

Some things probably aren't appropriate for a blog post, and this may be one of them, but I need to get it out and for me writing it down is therapeutic, I realize this rambles, but it is how it is coming out, so accept my apologies, this one is more for me than anyone else.

Daddy and Sam are wonderful and I appreciate being able to lean on them, but I am a mama's boy and nothing or no one can completely take her place.  I got through the funeral and planning and death better than I thought I would, but now as things are quieted down, as life has moved on and things are supposed to be back to normal, this new normal is difficult at best.  I am trying and know I will get through, but at certain times and certain moments the sadness is overwhelming.

Grief is a strange thing, you think you are making progress and then the mack-truck of sadness runs into you face to face.  I hate those moments, but also know that if I didn't love her so much and she didn't love me so much the pain wouldn't be as hard.

For the memories and joy mama gave me through life, this pain is worth it.  But this pain is hard and will take forever to mend.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Child of Miracles

Eighteen months ago I was in a meeting at Church.  The meeting was like most others and to be honest I don't even remember what we discussed that night, but what happened during and after that meeting gave me a renewed sense of faith, grace and love unlike most anything I have ever seen in my life.

Just a month or so earlier, our Pastor Jen had shared the news with our congregation that she was expecting her first child.  The congregation was overjoyed for Jen and her husband Mike, also a Methodist Pastor at a nearby church.

On the night of our meeting several of us noticed Pastor Jen appearing to be run-down and tired.  Some even mentioned it to her.  As the meeting concluded, I walked to the parking lot with Jen and we spoke briefly about how she just wasn't feeling well.  As we usually do, we departed with a hug and I told her to get some rest.

Unbeknownst to me and the rest of the congregation, that ride home for Jen would change her life forever.  After a call to her on-call doctor, Jen was informed to pack an overnight bag and get to the hospital.

Following doctor's orders she and Mike soon arrived at the hospital and doctor's began to do their work.  Over the next few days it was determined that not only was the babies life in danger, but also Pastor Jen's.

Word of Pastor Jen's difficulties began to seep out into our community of faith and we all began to pray for her, Mike and their unborn child.  Following a couple of days of ups and downs, Jen was transferred to another hospital and she delivered Luke, just over 1 lb at birth.

It was apparent from the beginning that Pastor Jen, Pastor Mike and baby Luke were in for a battle.  Doctor's weren't very encouraging, but one thing that baby Luke had on his side was a community of faith that lifted he and his parents up.

We began to pray for baby Luke, we spread the word about baby Luke to other churches and we continued to pray.  We prayed through dark days, days when it seemed inevitable that God's will wasn't for baby Luke to live.  Facebook pages were formed for prayer and updates, blue ribbons were worn in solidarity with baby Luke and we turned it over to God for a miracle, to deliver baby Luke from harm.

During his early months, baby Luke was transferred from a local hospital to a regional hospital in Miami that could give him more intense care.  We continued to pray and Pastor Jen and Pastor Mike made the trip daily to see their little boy and spend time with him.

One night during a bible study I was attending, Pastor Jen got word that she needed to get to Miami immediately.  As word spread of this news, again we began to pray.

As time went along, it sometimes was confusing what we were praying for, but we kept praying. 

Months passed and Luke began to improve, bit by bit his small body began to respond to treatments and he began to grow.  First Christmas, birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day were all held in a hospital NICU unit, but although they were reserved just for family, the faithful celebrated these milestones from miles away.

Finally, as if God had smiled on this little angel, Luke came home.  He was released from the hospital with a mom and dad who had spent far too many hours confined to a hospital to enjoy their newborn;s birth.  He came home.

This time we prayed a prayer of Thanksgiving..... another milestone met.

Today, several months after his initial homecoming, Luke was brought to another home.  For the first time he was introduced to our congregation and his baptism was reaffirmed before one of his Church families.  Again we prayed and we cried, but we also smiled today.  Today a miracle child was in our midst and a proud mother and father shared the pulpit to preach the word of Luke's life and the lessons learned through his life.

We continue to pray for Luke, for the young boy he is and the young man he will become.  We will continue to pray and celebrate the milestones.

Baby Luke is home, the blue ribbons no longer adorn our wrist and the Facebook page doesn't get much traffic any longer, but the prayers remain for a miracle child who taught us all about faith, perseverance, love, grace and prayer.

Welcome to the family baby Luke, we look forward to seeing where God leads you and your parents as you continue to journey.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Chelsea

After years of waiting Sam finally called me with the news, Donna was pregnant!  I had been wanting a niece or nephew since I was old enough to know what one was.

Sam and Donna waited until my patience had grown thin to get married and then waited a couple of years to get pregnant.... what was the wait?  Didn't they know that I needed a little bundle of joy in the family?

So finally, the time had come, I was going to have a baby to play with.  It never occurred to me that Sam and Donna would be the parents, all I knew was I was getting a baby.... FINALLY!

The next few months were filled with anticipation, if she were a girl I would groom her to be Miss America, if it was a boy, I would groom him to be President of the United States.....  I was in a state of euphoria planning how I would impact this child's life.

Finally the day arrived, Sam called early in the morning and said Donna was in labor.  I took the day off to be with family at the hospital.  We were all there mama, daddy, Donna's mama and daddy, Donna's sister we paced the floors of Northeast Georgia Medical Center just waiting.

We waited for hours.  I couldn't believe how long it was taking and I felt for Donna for the labor she must be going through.  Later I found out Donna slept through most of the labor after she received her epidural.

When the moment arrived, Sam came out to tell us, "it's a girl."  A girl!  A girl?

Secretly I had wished for a girl, but when the words came out of his mouth I was a bit worried.... what are we supposed to do with a girl?  We are a family of boys, we don't know anything about girls!

But we had one, a girl, Chelsea Leigh Rumsey, born May 8th, 1990.

I quickly learned that Chelsea was not mine, she belonged to her daddy and her grand-daddy.  If two men could ever be wrapped around the small pudgy fingers of a child they were.  This little girl would just look at them both and they would melt....and they still do to this day.

From day one Chelsea was her own person, she makes her own decisions, she stands strong behind her values and she is unwavering in her opinions.

Chelsea is a mix of soft blond beauty and rough and tumble tomboy.  Today she is a statuesque college student who enjoys being in a sorority but also lets me know with no apologies that she can kick my butt.

I didn't get my Miss America, but what I did get was a sweet, funny niece who values her friends and family.  A young lady who has her head on straight and always stands by what is right, not what is popular.  I'll take that over Miss America any day!

Happy Birthday Chelsea, you make your family proud!