Christmas will be different this year. The first Christmas without the matriarch of my family, the one who taught us the joy of Christmas, the one who still enjoyed a visit from Santa as much as anyone else, even when her youngest child was 45 years old.
This year we will be without mama, definitely a sad marker since her death. As sad as the "first" Christmas will be, it also provides us with a challenge to fully celebrate the joy of Christmas the way she taught us since childhood.
This morning in Church I was swept away by the music of the season, beautiful glorious music celebrating the birth of our Savior. Suddenly it dawned on me, this will be mama's first year with the angels of heaven celebrating the miracle of that first Christmas. This year as we set one less place at the table, our family of angels sets one more, what a glorious feast that will be!
This year, not only in December, but through the year, the spirit of Christmas has engulfed me in ways that I have never felt before. As I think back on the past months, since that day in late February when my life changed, an overwhelming feeling of joy and gratitude fills my soul.
From the friends who selflessly gave their time to clean my house, replant my flower beds and stock my fridge and cabinets while I was away, I see the spirit of giving that we are taught as children, a selfless act that goes with me every day.
Phone calls that came out of the blue, phone calls from friends and family just to let me know they were thinking of me. In my world, those calls were like the angels of heaven announcing the good news, they were pick-me-ups letting me know that the dark days will pass.
I was taught from an early age that the spirit of Christmas is more about the promise of the new life than it is about gifts, trees and tinsel. This year, more than any other I have found myself thinking about that "new life."
A new life that moves forward without my most important influence. A life that moves forward without my "light."
This year as I think about the sadness that could take over my Christmas season, I have decided to celebrate the lessons I was taught since childhood and the joy that will help me move forward.
I will remember my 5th Christmas. The year I got a Big Wheel. The Big Wheel I literally wore the tires off of. That was the year that Tom and Sam helped their little brother find the freedom of adventure with my own "wheels", a sense of adventure that I still have today as an adult.
This year, I will think back to my 6th Christmas, the year that ma-ma fell down our steps and broke her arm, that was the year that my cousin Melissa and I went out into the woods to build a "garden" in a pie pan to make ma-ma feel better. That was the year I learned about compassion, I have certainly felt that compassion this year and hope that I have been able to return the favor.
Or my 7th Christmas when Larry McClure showed up to our house and scared a little boy to tears when the Santa "impostor" showed up MUCH earlier than he should have. This year, I know in my soul that any "impostors" have been removed from my life. I have found a peace in faith that I never knew before, a faith that carries me not only through darkness but also through the joy of light!
When I was in my early teens we had Christmas a week early, that was because Sam was working on an oil rig that year and would be away from home on Christmas day. I hated that year and am glad that we never had another Christmas apart. That was the year that I learned the importance of family, just being in the same room, somehow takes away some of the pressures from the outside world and provides a feeling of warmth that can't be realized elsewhere.
Then there were the years when our family grew. The years we got Donna, then Chelsea and Zack, these are the years that I learned there is an endless ability to love. Room for my heart to grow and welcome new people into my life.
We have had more Christmases than I can count that were uneventful, but always filled with laughter and sometimes tears. We were taught that the Christmas spirit is about family, it is about the laughter, the tears, the togetherness. No doubt we will find that same spirit under our tree this year as well.
Mama started a tradition years ago when Chelsea and Zack were very young. Once they got old enough to read they would open up an old "pop-up" book and read the Christmas story to our family. I hope this year, those same young adults will continue that tradition, knowing that the real meaning of Christmas lies in the words of the story, not in the packages under the tree.
This year, I have seen the spirit of Christmas all year long, in big and small ways, in ways I could never imagine. Maybe it is because I am getting older and those simple gestures mean more. Maybe it is because of the loss of mama, or maybe it is because of the lessons I have learned along the way. The lessons I was taught by my bright star, a mother who taught the best gifts at Christmas are those shared with family.
My Christmas wish for each of you is the joy of the season, the light of simple gestures and the creation of memories and traditions that will comfort you into the future.
I wish you peace, I wish you love and I wish you happiness. With a full heart of gratitude this Christmas I will remember the past, but also look to the future hoping for new memories of the true meaning of Christmas.
Embrace those you love, hold them close and make sure they know just how important they are. Those people who touch your lives each day, the friend, co-worker, neighbor and family member, share the spirit of the season with them and as we move forward just imagine how great our futures would be if we carried that Christmas spirit year round.
My Christmas wish for you is love, grace and joy.
With love and gratitude, Merry Christmas to you all!
